I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
