Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
