Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
