Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
