this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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