"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
