I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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