my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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