I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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