Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
