there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
