Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
When are your genitals available?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
