Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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