Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
