Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Vodka?
Forever.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
