so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
nutella sex= disaster
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
