it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
