Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
you never un-have a 4some
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
