What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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