Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
