I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
