In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
