Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
