I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
