so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
