sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
