This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
