Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
