Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
