the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
