while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Text me some of your sweat
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