I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
