i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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