I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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