so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
