Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
