She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
