i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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