Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
