Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wish i was in the wii world.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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