I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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