My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
