Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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