hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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