Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
