I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Randomize
