I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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