Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
