I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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