dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
