Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
im six kinds of drunk right now
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
